Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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