I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I want her autograph on my taint
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
