Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
