My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
