I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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