I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
