Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
