I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize