please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
