Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
