went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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