You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
