i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
