I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
