last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
