ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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