if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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