these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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