awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
