clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
