I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
