are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
