she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
