I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Drake has all the answers
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
