I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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