Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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