she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
