i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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