I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
