I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
