I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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