I can text with my tongue
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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