im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
