So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
