I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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