I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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