You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
