woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I didn't notice because vodka
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
