This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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