the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
