im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
