I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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