i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
