Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im having a threesome with these popsicles
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Houston, we have a squirter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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