I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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