dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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