Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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