I smell stomach acid.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
