im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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