Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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