Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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