dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
