Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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