At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
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I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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