I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
