Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
