Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
