3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
