the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
